Title: Stephen's List (also on AO3)
Summary: Sometimes Stephen needs a reminder of things he really shouldn't do. Here are 20 of them. Set pre-movie.
Fandom: The Brothers Bloom
Characters: references of Stephen, Bloom and Bang Bang
Notes: I started this during Yuletide, and finally finished it this evening. I posted it to NYR, because there should be more amusing thoughts about Stephen's shenanigans. In another life with more time, i would love to write the snippets or stories that go with each of these reasons. Who knows, maybe I will.
1. Stephen is not allowed to stage a job in any country whose name starts with the letters A, L, F, P or M (yes, even Monaco), especially if any should border the Arabian Sea.
2. Stephen is not allowed to mention the following, for any reason: Moldova, Lithuanian convents, and the midnight train from Stockholm to Uppsala.
3. Under no circumstances should any diversion be attempted with a porcupine, rubbing alcohol, or a rubber duck.
4. A diversion should definitely not be attempted with all of these objects simultaneously.
5. Especially not in Moldova. People have died that way.
6. Bang Bang can, in a pinch, be a Romantic Lure. This does mean she enjoys it.
7. Bloom can only be a Romantic Lure in an emergency situation.
8. “Because Stephen thinks it would be good for him” does not qualify as an emergency situation.
9. In addition, Stephen may not borrow, steal or destroy Bloom’s passport, suitcase, clothing, shoes, reading material or automobile using the argument “it would be good for him”.
10. Any backup plans require the agreement of two out of three job members before proceeding.
11. Stephen does not “count” as two team members.
12. Not even if he is masquerading as twins.
13. No matter how much he begs, Stephen is never, ever allowed to bluff at a card game run, overseen, or at all tangentially connected to an organized crime operation—Bloom likes having all his fingers, thanks so much.
14. Stephen is not allowed to impersonate a member of an organized crime operation for the purpose of entering a card game that is run, overseen, or at all tangentially connected to an organized crime operation.
15. Stephen may not create false identities using names from the following: any Ian Fleming novel, any Godfather movie, any film starring John Wayne, or any variation of Star Trek, yes, even if Jean Luc Picard would look fantastic on a Nevada drivers license.
16. Stephen may not use a plan if he laughs for more than two minutes straight while thinking about it.
17. Stephen is well aware he does not speak the following languages: Farsi, Arabic, Mandarin Chinese, and Tagalog. Therefore, he is not allowed to pass himself off as a native speaker of those languages.
18. Stephen must seek permission before booking transportation on any of the following: camels, goats, reindeer-drawn sleds, and late 90s Volkswagons.
19. Stephen may not, under any circumstances, impersonate either a lawyer or a member of the navy. It doesn’t ends well.
20. Stephen may not, ever, perform a con that endangers his own life.